A Letter From Louisiana -Gabriel

A Letter From Louisiana -Gabriel

Wed, 19 Mar 2008 16:37:30 -0500

Hello...

I just wanted to drop a line and say that I've been reading your site for the past few days. I can't tell you how much of what is in these visions lines up with what I see going on in the natural.

For the past few months I've been under immense attack by the enemy.Toward the end of last year, my feet were slipping into such despair and muck. I kept feeling like I was falling away from the Lord and had this feeling that I couldn't do anything about it, so I just accepted it with a sigh. I was like one of those eagles you saw going around sticking his head into trash cans and filth, and I was beginning to look and act like a vulture. (Vision: Eagles Vultures Eagles ) I could see it in myself, and I despised it.

Thankfully, I know I am being restored and pulled away from all of that.

On new years day, I came under an intense assault in my mind. All these severe doubts and delusions were being pressed in. I've been under heavy psychic/mental attack before, and it shuts me down the same way every time. It's like some invisible being taking my mind / consciousness / ability to think and stuffing a bag over it. I started having intense panic attacks. I managed to fight back for my faith in Yahshua (I have many more reasons to believe rather than doubt). But that had been countered with immense fear of the darkness / spiritual forces.

Then, as I was taking a midnight walk on the streets of my town near my college a few days ago, a huge shadow enveloped me, blocking out the light of the street lamp above me. It only lasted a split second, and then I saw this leaf hit the ground near my feet, and I realized the leaf had passed right near the bulb and caused the huge shadow as it was falling. I felt like I was being shown that the darkness that seems so big and mean right now is just a shadow. It seems so big because its up above my head, close to the light, but when the source of it falls at my feet, it really is just nothing but a dead leaf.

Now I find myself consumed with fears about what is coming upon my country. I know my fear is mostly selfish, because I am concerned with what suffering it will bring upon me, and try as I might I can't consider others. I have been so caught up in doom and gloom that I am depressed constantly. I know it is probably silly, but I haven't been able to help myself from feeling like we are all careening toward this huge wall of .. doom, like there is no tomorrow. Life is over.

Fear fear fear. All I do is fear. I know it isn't right. I know about how we should have a spirit of Peace, Power, Love, and a sound mind..
but I can't shake it off, even though I've been trying to draw close to the Lord. My (vain) imagination has been running wild about the future.

I'm caught up in music school and not sure if I should quit and spend all my time seeking God, but at the same time I feel like I was prophesied to go to school (even though right now I am sick of it and wondering what I am doing) and all I have is 2 months of it left and I'm finished forever.
I guess I should apologize for dumping so much off here in this email.

I just feel like I'm up to my neck in things there really are very few people who can understand that I'm struggling in the spiritual, mental and in the natural.

I also wanted to tell you that there was something special about the story of the caged eagle for me, (Caged eagle learns to fly )the one who was caged for 27 years and finally found and had to be taught to fly, etc. I felt like that caged eagle is me. I am 27 years old, and I for years have felt like I have been in a prison partly of my own making. I have been in college for 9 years in the same town I grew up in. I started college the second time after finishing once even though at the time I felt like I needed to get out of here, but wanted to take the opportunity to study music from an amazing teacher.

Now I am at the exit door struggling to finish without giving up right at the end. I don't know where to go from here, and almost feel like there is nothing and no one out there for me. I don't know how to fly and I know I am psychologically way behind for an eagle.

I can't help but think that maybe I did/am doing the wrong thing.

A few weeks ago I even had this micro-dream that I was standing on the top of a building I stayed in once in New York City. Suddenly I was being lifted up from the top of the building into the air, but I didn't get 5 feet off the roof before my fear of heights/whatever kicked in and this feeling of panic welled up in my stomach causing me to cry out and I woke up.

I felt like it meant that God wanted to lift me up, but I was scared, panicky and immature. When I was a little kid my dad used to try to pick me up to put me on his shoulders, but that exact feeling of fear caused me to cry out, and I would never let him pick me up.

I don't really want to be that way with God. I guess I've always had this thing with fear and insecurity. I've also had this thing about letting people into my life. I never even let my parents in, and am still struggling to be able to. Even when I was a small small child, I remember one time singing to myself and playing in my closet, and then turned around and realized my dad had sneaked in and was watching me.

In a small and primitive way, I guess I felt almost violated and embarrassed that he had caught me in such a candid moment unaware, and I walked over, lifted up my little hand and tried to hit him, but he just caught me up and laughed in a sort of confusion over my reaction.

I've always had this memory, but only recently began to understand it.. that I have this deep rooted problem of letting people see who I really am.

Anyway, your writings contain many things that are helping me to break down this imaginary wall of doom and gloom that has stifled me and robbed me of my life recently. I just wanted to ask for some prayer and words of encouragement and/or direction, or anything from the Lord, who I want to know and love with all my heart.

Thank you

Gabriel


Thu, 20 Mar 2008 17:17:54 -0500

REPURCUSSIVE EFFECTS

Hello,

There is also more to my story that I didn't think to write about, but you can add this to it since it all sort of ties together...

In the middle of all my fearing, despairing, and depression a few weeks ago I saw God do a miracle. I was driving home late one night after practicing my music on my campus. I had my windows down, and on the side of the road I saw this girl walking. There are quite a few crackheads around here so seeing someone walking on the side of the road is usually to be expected (and not to mention it's dangerous around here to pick people up), but this one was different. As I passed by, she looked over at me, and our eyes met for a split second. In her eyes I saw something and felt something in my heart, but I didn't know what.

I was going to keep driving home, but in my mind I remembered a story of a friend of mine and his girlfriend (who are themselves unbelievers) who found this teenage girl standing alone outside a gas station. When they approached her, they learned she had been dumped off there and abandoned by this older guy she had been seeing. They ended up canceling their own plans and brought her back to her home which was in New Orleans an hour away in their gas guzzling mustang.

Thinking of that, I fought a micro-battle with myself as to whether or not I should even bother checking to see if perhaps it was a similar situation. After a few moments of groaning and fighting myself, I swung the car around and went back. I pulled into the entrance to the store just behind where she was walking and called out to her asking if she needed help. She turned around and skipped over to my car in a sad sort of manner. Someone pulled up behind me waiting to enter the parking lot and began impatiently honking and yelling unintelligible insults at me as I took time to push all the books and cd's and random papers out of my passenger seat so she could get in. I asked her where she was going, and she said she was going to the truck stop "to get some money." I didn't ask anything more about it, but I figured she was going there to sell herself.

Now, a few weeks before all this I was trying really hard to realign myself to the Lord. I had said to him I wanted to give more, but hadn't really been doing it, and didn't really know where to put it. So one day I stopped at the bank ATM and took out $100, which was a big chunk of the little money that I had. I stuffed it into a corner of my wallet and said to the Lord it was his money, and I could not and would not touch it for myself no matter what. After a few weeks I started to wonder what he was going to have me do with it. At some point I put $20 of it in a collection for some orphan in the third world somewhere.

So, when I saw this pathetic looking girl, I knew right what to do. I pulled out all the rest of that money and told her she didn't have to do what she was doing, and I gave it to her. She took it and counted it, and almost began to cry. She said over and over "God sent you here, you are like an angel, you are like Gabriel"

I sort of grinned and told her that really was my name, to her astonishment. I asked her a little about herself, she said she had a little girl named Raven. I don't remember doing a whole lot of talking, but I took her and bought her food, whatever she wanted, and I took her back to where she said she was staying. I gave her my number in case she needed anything else, I was going to try and get her connected to some Christian women somehow.Then she got out of my car before I thought to pray for her, so I did so as I drove away.

I've been "taken for a ride" before by random people. There are a LOT of con-artists around here who will tell you pitiful stories to get you to give them money (and some make some big bucks this way). Usually it has something to do with diapers, hungry kids & wife, being broken down on the side of the road, etc; but it's all a lie. Sometimes people ask for a ride after they get some money, and ask to be dropped off somewhere. Several times I've found myself in ghetto type places to drop these people off at some crack-house. My heart always sinks in these situations, because I know I've been suckered into buying their drugs for them AND providing free transportation to their dealers.

With this girl, it felt a little different, but in my mind I still wondered if I was just a sucker yet again. I decided to give it to the Lord.

Some time later, she called me and told me she wanted to talk to me, so I went to meet her at this shanty donut shop in town. She told me how she was turning her life around and had gotten a job, and was feeling so joyful after that one night. She said she had not even really used curse words since that night. She said her daughter had suddenly stopped cursing too, and on top of that had begun to get excited about prayer time before bed.

I was taken back a little, though I still had doubt in my mind. She said she hadn't made enough in tips yet to pay for the cheap motel room she was staying in right across from the "waffle house" she was working in for that night. So, I knew I had to help her out again, but I was starting to feel like perhaps I was being leeched. I took her and gave her the money she needed anyway.

This happened a couple more times. I had my own bills to pay, and here I was giving away all I had to live on for this girl who I didn't even know was truly sincere. I gave her whatever she said she needed, but in my heart there was a knot that I was trying to suppress. Then one day I brought it out in the open before the Lord in my thoughts. I said I know "God loves a cheerful giver" but I was not being cheerful. I was giving out of obedience, but I knew I was "gritting my teeth" about it secretly in my heart. I simply apologized to God and asked for him to allow me to give without holding back.

Soon after that I met her and she told me her ex boyfriend had somehow found out where she was, and barged into her room and beat her up. She did have a black eye and some bruises when I saw her. She told me that day about how she was at some place nearby which had one of those blackjack gambling machines in a corner. She stuck a dollar in there and lost it, and was about to put another one in when she said something told her on the inside to take her money and go home. She said she knew it was the Lord and seemed so excited that he should speak to her.

She went on to say that she ran into another girl in the street trying to sell herself, a young 19 year old girl. She said she went up to this girl and began telling her about God, saying she should not do these things anymore, and that sex was meant for two people who love each other, etc. She said the girl began weeping. She took the rest of the money she had (only $10), and bought the girl some food and gave her the rest. She took her back to her motel room and gave her some clothes and I suppose they hung out together for a while.

I was struck by what she told me, but my heart was still hard about it. Somewhere in my thoughts I still suspected it was all a trick.

Not long later, I met with her yet again. This time she said she had decided to go back home where she was from, that she was reconciling things with her mother (who was in prison but was due to be released in a few months) and could stay in her house.

A couple of days before she said she was due to leave, I took her to Super Wal Mart to buy food and whatever for herself and her daughter. I walked into this place, and immediately I knew that people were going to be looking at me, a straight-laced, clean cut, clean shaved white guy walking around with this pitiful, beat up girl who looked like she just clamored off the street after doing crack. She still had the appearance of one of those women of base quality, but she was smiling and talking and telling me things about her little girl.

I shook off the crazy looks I was getting, even from random people who knew me from school or from whereever (in a small town like mine you see the same people all the time in random places). I was just hoping nobody thought that I was the one who beat her up.

On the way back to her motel, she told me about the other prostitute she had taken off the street that one night. She said the girl was due to be picked up by this church-run help agency and taken to a rehab facility. She said the girl told her that she almost bought crack with that $5 she was given, but something told her to take her money and go home! The girl also said that after that she felt like she was going to be a prophetess of God and was so happy about it.

I was amazed, and my doubts began to crumble as I thought that this must be something God is surely doing! She went on to tell me about how this couple was arguing and fighting outside their room back at the motel one night. The man was even hitting and treating the woman roughly. Before, she would have been timid, but now she said she marched out there and got in between them. She upbraided the man telling him that God did not put this woman on the earth for him to beat on her, and she told the woman something as well. I asked what the reactions were. She said at first they were both stunned speechless, but when she started saying they should not act like this in front of their kids, who were inside the motel, they both began weeping in the end hugged each other and reconciled.

I was double stunned. I thought this girl has more courage than I do. Here I am being all cowardly fearing that serving the Lord is going to bring suffering and persecution, and this simple girl fresh off the streets is daring to throw herself out there to anyone.

I ended up helping her buy her bus ticket home, and she gave me the address to her house in Pensacola, Florida. Helping her cleaned me out financially, so I've been holding on and pinching pennies, having just enough to eat on while waiting for my next payment from work, with some nasty overdue bills (IRS!!) facing me that is likely to keep me cleaned out for a while. I guess the Lord was testing me through it all, but really it seems more like a little blessing and a lesson about how he is working and about how the smallest things we do for him are having repercussive effects that keep going and going and going far beyond what we can know.

When I read one of the visions (I can't remember which one it was in)(Vision: Endangering The Environment) the other day I really noticed the part about how these kinds of "low" people are going to speak words to shame the "righteous" among us in these coming days. I can see God's hand rippling invisibly and unnoticed in this shady underworld of our society.

So many people that I've seen recently who are truly on fire for God are people who somehow "ran into" God somewhere. They were never witnessed to or went to church, God just sort of grabbed them. I can see the church world going about its business sitting comfortably in their pews, while Jesus is out there on the streets doing the dirty work with his own hands covertly and unseen. I think there is indeed a revival going on, but its like the roots of a tree growing under the ground. No one sees it nor do they know about it. Like Jesus said, the wind is blowing wherever it wills, and no man can see from whence it comes or to where it goes. I think Christians are waiting to see "memberships" on the rise, and "revival tents" popping up. But none of that is happening.

When I read "America O America"(Vision: America O America- AudioTranscript) and the 5 unexploded bombs, (VISION: 5 UNEXPLODED BOMBS IN AMERICA) I really could see everything in there (especially the racism bomb, being from the deep south myself). There is so much seething under the surface of things here, so much tension, discontentedness, longing for change, mistrust, fear, blindness, etc. I really wonder deeply about where this country is going, and what my place is in the middle of all of this. I just pray that God has mercy, because I also see that there are so many evils perpetrated against us to blind us and deceive us, so many bad inheritances, swindlers robbing us, etc.

Anyway, thanks again for posting all of what you share, it's helped me to bring a lot of things back together in my head.

Gabriel